It’s Ok not to be Ok
Post Natal Depression is never an easy subject to write or talk about, perhaps we should.
Not purely because of the high prevalence of it, also because it’s affects are wide ranging and misunderstood. We will all know someone who's silently suffered, I am one of them, there’s no shame in that.
Perinatal anxiety and depression is an illness that can impact both parents, from conception onwards, not just for the mother. That level of distress can deeply affect intimate relationships between the parent and baby, partners, and the entire extended whanau/family, in all walks of life.
So, here's the thing! Parenting is one of the most rewarding and at the same time the hardest things we ever do in our lives.
We seem to constantly need to question ourselves as does everyone else to whether we're really doing ok or not.
It's where we do the most learning about who we really are, and why. Where we are going, where we have come from and what we have learned from our own childhoods and life journeys.
It's not always pretty, sometimes its damn right gross and It's where we can focus on what we truly want for ourselves and our children's future's.
At our highest points our hearts could burst with pride, happiness and fulfilment. Sadly, at our lowest point we can be filled with exhaustion, self-doubt and guilt.
What we've done is make a miracle, beautiful peaceful child filled with love and wonder.
We can be our own greatest cheerleaders and sadly our own worst critics. It's a huge test on our relationship with ourselves and with our life partners. We don't always feel like we get it right all of the time, however, we always get it just right enough!
It takes a village to raise a child, and these days our village is so often further away, we're all in this together, supporting, growing and learning. There are no rights or wrongs, no failures, no rule book. Our good enough's are exactly that.... they are good enough.
You've got this! We've all got this!
You reached out to me that morning because you’d hit that wall. Some time had now passed, the dust has settled, maybe the new baby novelty had worn off, because everyone had kind of moved on. Except you. You were still having moments of worry, which felt intense and consuming. I told you there was absolutely no shame in that.
You were unsure of what was happening to you. The bottom line was that you felt ‘out of control’ and it was starting to make you feel emotionally fragile, unsafe and unwell.
“I feel so alone.”
This is definitely not how it is supposed to be.
It was hard for you to understand why you still felt that way. You felt some guilt, perhaps even some embarrassment about how you were feeling. We never talk about it as a society because we are taught that you must always be happy and grateful to be pregnant and have a baby. And we often tell ourselves to just put up with uncomfortable feelings and brush them off.
“These other feelings just aren’t talked about; my only regret is that I didn’t speak up sooner”.
Any type of acute anxiety causes a biological response. By fighting (fight), running away (flight) or become immobilized (freeze). The mind becomes hyperactive, thoughts are primitive and get stuck in survival mode. That’s exhausting!
You never knew when it was going to hit you, it felt irrational, and a very real thing. You always felt as if you were anxiously waiting for something awful to happen, and you had no idea where that had come from.
“Some days, I feel like I’m drowning. I want to be me again, not defined by all this fear and anxiety”.
We spent time on ‘grounding techniques’ to firstly get you in a calmer state of mind. You were frightened of being prescribed medication, then acknowledged you might need something. “It’s OK if you do, there’s no shame in that. If you find you do it won’t be forever”, I told you, it generally isn’t.
Next time we met you had reached a much more relaxed place; you said you were sleeping better too. We were able to work through all of where you’d been, really unpack it to understand what had triggered such feelings of uncertainty. We explored other events in your life that you had overcome, and together we made small ‘bite size’ stepped goals to increase more enjoyment in your journey as a mother.
The next time I saw your name, you were empowering other mothers in an online parenting forum. You now had a lived experience, and you wanted to share to lighten someone else’s load.
You literally ‘Paid it Forward’, and I couldn’t have been prouder.
When riding the waves in highly charged waters, people often withdraw, yet so desperately need to feel seen and heard. Social isolation is debilitating. Social isolation with any form of anxiety and/or deep sadness is excruciating and profoundly lonely.
One of the reasons why social media is so popular in parenting, is because people simply want to connect to feel more understood. Ultimately, that true essence and value of a lived experience resonates with you. Doing that online for some actually feels safer, less intense and allows boundaries.
From our evolutionary perspective, our ancestors had extended whanau/families. So, in that respect, recovery was somewhat easier.
If you suspect someone may be struggling or know of a new parent, reach out, ask them the that one question, so many are afraid to ask.
